Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)

There is this notion that modern comedies have attempted to capitalize on raunchiness while playing within the MPAA system.  They want to be raunchy while staying within the PG-13 range that garners the most money.  Not all comedies are like this, though.  The Hangover had success as an R-rated.  Sex Drive wasn’t a huge success, but fans have grabbed onto it as a modern example of good sex comedy.  The first example spawned a franchise while the other became a cult hit.  But the day of the sex comedy has long passed, finding its biggest wave in the 1980s.

The 1980s saw an abundance of sex comedies that capitalized on the raunchy style that is rarer in modern cinema.  1982’s Porky’s might be the pinnacle of this style, but there were other hits such as Bachelor Party and Revenge of the Nerds.  This was comedy’s response to the sexually stimulating slasher flicks that were finding success for horror.   They attempted to bring laughs, much like horror movies brought scares, while showing boobs and sexual activities.  The style hasn’t done too well outside of the 1980s since cinema has become increasingly more against nudity and in favour of violence and action.  There are reasons for this shift that I’m not going to go into.  I want to focus on sex comedies, specifically the one I watched for this post.

In 1984, there was a ski sex comedy called Hot Dog… The Movie.  I didn’t watch that.  I watched the similarly titled 1986 movie Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  It followed a group of students at a college for burger joint managerial hopefuls.  People went to the school to find out if they had what it took to manage a Busterburger franchise.  The concept was inspired by the Hamburger University program that McDonald’s runs.

There is a lot to discuss about Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  The core story was crazy, but there were wacky antics all around that I would like to shed some light on.  Through the characters, we’ll explore the jokes, stories, and sex.  This is not a movie that I would recommend people seek out.  It’s not good.  Perhaps this post will let you know all you need to know without having to watch it.  That’s my goal.  So, through the students of the univeristy, I’m going to share the craziness that was Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  Full spoilers ahead.

Russell Proco (Leigh McCloskey)

The main character of Hamburger: The Motion Picture was Russell Proco.  He always had women fawning over him.  It didn’t matter what the situation, women always wanted his hard loving.  Four universities had expelled him for how much sex he had.  It had been this way since his freshman year.  He could be doing the most mundane things and women would want to have sex with him.

After being kicked out of his fourth university, Russell’s parents (Robert Hogan and Lillian Garrett) sat him down and said he would never get his inheritance if he didn’t graduate.  They weren’t going to pay for his schooling ever again, so Russell took it into his own hands.  That’s where Busterburger University came in.  The university would pay for his schooling because they wanted franchise managers.  It was free of charge to attend.  He packed his bags and off he went.

Things started well for Russell.  He was roommates with Fred Domino (Sandy Hackett), who became his closest friend.  He was doing well in his classes.  Then the first party happened.  At the first party, Russell met Mia Vunk (Debra Blee), the daughter of Busterburger owner Lyman Vunk (Charles Tyner).  They began talking and a relationship blossomed.  The problem was that the drill-sergeant style teacher, Drootin (Dick Butkus), had feelings for her.  A one-sided rivalry was sparked that would continue throughout the movie.

Highlights of the rivalry included both Russell and Fred being caught off school property, and being punished through torture.  They were placed into pickle designed contraptions that they could not escape while different sauces were poured onto them.  The biggest point of sabotage to Russell’s university career, however, came when Drootin did everything he could to tank the final examination.

The final examination involved the managerial hopefuls running a Busterburger location for a day.  They had to keep everything on track and have good sales.  Drootin ruined that.  He angered police, brought in a bus filled with heavy eaters, and called in a biker gang.  The highlight of the whole final examination came when the heavy eaters were given laxatives in order to open up dining area space.  They crowded into the washroom, farting and trying to get to the toilet.  Someone began taking pictures.  The flash from the camera lit the flatulence and a whole side of the Busterburger building exploded.

In the end, though the franchise was destroyed, Russell and his crew of rag tag soon-to-be Busterburger managers got a passing grade and graduated.  Drootin got a promotion, but lost it due to his students’ revenge.  That will come up later.

Fred Domino

Unlike Russell’s storyline, which had multiple layers, the rest of the Busterburger University students had one-note stories.  Fred Domino was there to be a Busterburger manager, but he spent the entire movie wanting to have sex.  Specifically, he wanted to have sex with Lyman Vunk’s much younger wife, played by Randi Brooks.  He was the cause of much of the trouble that the students got into.

Fred Domino was introduced in the same scene as most of the students.  He arrived on the first day at Busterburger University and immediately ended up in the doghouse.  He sat on his suitcase while Drootin was drill sergeanting everyone, leading to one of Drootin’s best lines.  “You tired?  Why don’t you give your hemorrhoids a rest?”  It’s no Full Metal Jacket drill sergeant line (a movie that strangely came out a year after this, though this feels influenced by it), but for the sake of this comedy, that’s a good line.

Fred’s story began partway through his introductory scene when the Vunks arrived.  Fred saw Mrs. Vunk and immediately fell in lust.  They danced together at the first party.  But it was when Fred and Russell left school property that his story picked up.  The roommates went out for Chinese food and found Mia Vunk and Mrs. Vunk sitting at a table.  They joined the women until they noticed Drootin entering the establishment.  The two men dove under the table to avoid being seen.  While down there, Fred looked under Mrs. Vunk’s dress and saw that she was not wearing panties.  He began eating a different meal than Chinese.  She orgasmed at the table and then Fred and Russell were caught, leading to the pickle punishment.

One more big Fred and Mrs. Vunk moment came soon after the punishment.  During a strange church scene (all religious gospel was turned into a Busterburger religion), Mrs. Vunk wrote a note for Fred to meet her behind one of the buildings.  They met and ran off to have sex in a helicopter.  During the throes of making out, Fred accidentally turned on the helicopter.  Fellow student Magneto Jones (Chip McAllister) jumped in the helicopter to escape Busterburger University, and the helicopter took off.  None of them knew how to fly it.  Wacky antics ensued.  That’s about all of Fred’s story that doesn’t directly tie into Russell’s.

Nacio Herb Zipser (Jack Blessing)

Zipser always wanted to be the manager of a Busterburger franchise.  His childhood was filled with Busterburger food and the Busterburger theme song.  He was standing next to Russell when they arrived at Busterburger University and he was singing the song and snapping his fingers along with it.  Everything in his life revolved around the company and he was the most enthusiastic student.

His own story didn’t come into play until about halfway through Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  Prior to that, Zipser was a background character.  He would show up, share a line or two, and get out of there.  He screamed “Pool party!” after people fell into a pool and jumped in after them.  That was the character until he met Dr. Mole, the science teacher at Busterburger University.

Zipser wanted to get in with his professors, so he offered his help to Dr. Mole.  The doctor was happy to accept.  He strapped Zipser to a table in his laboratory and began to experiment.  Dr. Mole injected Zipser with fried chicken chemical.  It turned Zipser into a man chicken.  What do I mean?  Zipser began to cluck and grow feathers.  At one point he laid an egg.  He was a man turning into a chicken and the only people who knew anything about it were Zipser, Dr. Mole, and Lyman Vunk, who was overseeing the experiments because he wanted to launch a line of fried chicken to compete in another fast food market.

The rest of Zipser’s screen time was mostly background.  He was again relegated to the quick, semi-funny lines until the end of the movie.  When all hope was lost at the Busterburger franchise, Zipser was the saddest student.  It was his life’s dream to run a franchise and the dream was as shattered as the restaurant.  He got his moment to be sad about the situation.

Sister Sara

There is very little to this character.  She was extremely one note.  Her name was Sister Sara because she was a nun.  Yes, there was a nun attending Busterburger University.  During the student arrival scene, Fred Domino asked her why she decided to become the manager of a fast food joint.  Her response was that she heard voices.  The voices were the Busterburger theme song.  The hook of the song roped her into the fast food industry.

Sister Sara’s only big moment came when she inadvertently saved the day.  There was irreparable damage to the franchise that the students worked in.  The heavy eaters caused a bathroom explosion.  The biker gang and the police officers tore apart the tables and chairs.  And a chicken truck drove through the wall.  All hope seemed lost.  The students tried to salvage whatever they could, but it wasn’t enough.  Lyman Vunk made his surprise appearance while destruction was everywhere.

The students had no chance to pass the final test.  Drootin had made sure of it, out of his anger toward Russell and Fred.  During the disappointment and punishment portion of the scene, Sister Sara was in the background dipping one of the chickens from the truck into a deep fryer.  She took a bite of the cooked chicken and uttered the phrase, “It’s good.  By God!”  That phrase struck a chord with Lyman Vunk.  He passed the entire class because Sister Sara had a brilliant new catchphrase for the line of chicken products that were soon to be released.  Sister Sara saved the day.

Conchita (Maria Richwine)

This one should be quick as she was the least fleshed out of any student.  Conchita was a Latina student with a thick accent.  All she wanted was have sex with Russell.  She tried to proposition him during the first party.  Russell got away from her in favour of Mia Vunk.  When Russell was preparing for his final tests, she entered his room nearly naked and tried to have sex with him.  He turned her down.  She got angry and stormed out of his room.  That’s about it.  I can’t remember any other important things that she did during Hamburger: The Motion Picture.

Prestopopnick (John William Young)

In a movie about people going to school to become managers of a fast food burger joint, it makes sense that there would be a fat character.  Prestopopnick was that fat character.  He was introduced as a fat character with an eating disorder.  To curb his binging tendencies, he would strap a device to his finger that electrocuted him.  The shock would get rid of any hunger he had.  It was an extreme version of dieting.

Prestopopnick was only used in Hamburger: The Motion Picture for this electrocution gag.  It started in the student introduction scene, but the first big instance of the electrocution was during the party.  There was a table filled with food and he used his device to stop himself from eating burgers.  He jumped around the entire party while being electrocuted, and inadvertently started the pool party by knocking Russell into Drootin, who then fell into the pool.  Prestopopnick also fell into the pool, where he realized he was no longer hungry.

There was a quick moment of electrocution in the church scene as well.  A woman was sitting in the church with fruit on her hat and Prestopopnick wanted to eat some.  He hooked up the device to stop this urge and began shaking.  Magneto Jones tried to make sure he was okay, and ended up being electrocuted through contact.  The two of them shook in their church pew.  That was the moment.

Finally, there was the climax of the movie.  After the students learned they were getting passing grades, Drootin was promoted.  The students couldn’t allow that.  Prestoponick passed his device and it went from student to student, all the way to Russell.  Russell hooked Prestopopnick’s device to Drootin’s testicles and turned it on.  Drootin shook around and terrorized Lyman Vunk with his actions, causing the promotion to be rescinded and a demotion being handed out instead.  The device saved the day.

Magneto Jones

This character had a strange, sad story in Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  He was the only student at Busterburger University who did not want to be there.  He was kidnapped by the police and sent to the school because they needed diversity in their managers.  Magneto Jones was the only student.  His main career focus was to be a musician.  He was a singer who wanted nothing more than to escape and get to a gig.  This came up multiple times.

The first notable escape attempt that Magneto Jones made was while Russell and Fred were sneaking out for Chinese food.  They climbed on top of a truck.  When the truck was stopped and checked for smuggled materials, Magneto Jones was found in the back, trying to get to his gig.  The security people were distracted by his presence that they didn’t notice the other two students sneaking away on the roof.  The other notable escape attempt was when he jumped into the helicopter where Fred was trying to have sex with Mrs. Vunk.  Magneto Jones freaked out as the helicopter veered towards trees and buildings.

One other highlight came for Magneto Jones during the graduation ceremony.  I haven’t yet mentioned this part of the movie because it wasn’t too important to anyone’s story outside of “Hey! They graduated!”  The biggest story beat in the graduation ceremony was that Magneto Jones was the Busterburger University version of valedictorian.  He got up in front of everyone to give the final speech and instead broke into song.  Magneto Jones put on a full performance of the Busterburger theme song while everyone clapped and danced.  Then the movie ended.

Those were the seven students in Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  They wanted sex, they wanted food, and they wanted to run Busterburger franchises.  Their antics created wacky, yet not that funny scenes.  It was a comedy that didn’t fire on all cylinders, but was still something that I could write about with many, many words.  It’s strange how these things work out.

If Hamburger: The Motion Picture was a hamburger, it would be a fast food burger with a little too much sauce on it and not enough toppings.  They threw in a small piece of lettuce and half a tomato, but tried to hide the lack toppings with a thick layer of mayonnaise.  The movie had a half decent idea for a plot, but tried to hide the faults of it under a thick layer of bad sex humour.  It didn’t always go down well.  Perhaps another establishment, or filmmaker, could provide a better product to consume.

Here are some notes to consume:

• Jon Lovitz had a tiny role in Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  He was also in Bark Ranger and Mom and Dad Save the World.
• Helen Kelly was featured in Hamburger: The Motion Picture after having been in Ed.
• Finally, Bob Minor showed up in Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  He was also in Aces: Iron Eagle III.
• Have you seen Hamburger: The Motion Picture?  Did you find it funny?  Did you like it?  There is a comments section below to discuss the movie and the post.
• The comments section and my Twitter can be used to let me know about any bad movies that you think I should watch.  Let me know.  I like to discover new bad movies.
• Have you added me on snapchat?  I put clips of many of the bad movies I watch into my story.  Add me: jurassicgriffin.
• Next week’s movie is going to be Budz House, a comedy that revolves around marijuana.  It’s been a while since I’ve watched a movie that used drugs as a major story beat.  I’ll see you next week with whatever I write about it.